Today is the 11th day since dad passed away. As per the customs, we immersed his ashes in the river and prayed for his soul to rest in peace. The rituals helped me in letting go.
Over the last few days, I know my posts have been full of sadness. I did not mean to burden you with my pain. But I had to write. Maybe I shouldn’t have shared it but I did. It was because I felt I owed it to you- to let you know what I was going through.
I have wept, questioned, been angry and finally accepted God’s decision with grace for these are things that cannot be changed and life and death are in His hands. At times I have felt confused about how it all happened and at times I have felt guilty for the things I think I could have done but did not. Despite family and friends saying we had done everything we could, I needed to feel it within me.
During the period of mourning, as we do not watch television or listen to music, step out of the house or do anything that distracts the mind, it allows one to introspect and dwell on the past and heal. As part of my own journey to healing, I read every email my father wrote to me since mom passed away, every whats app message and I saw every photograph. It helped me come to the conclusion that he led a good life, living as he wanted. There were many a times we disagreed but the beauty of our relation was that he either saw my point of view or I saw his.
Knowing that there are many who live longer makes me greedy for more. But I know in my heart that it’s the quality of time spent and not the quantity that matters. We’ve been fortunate to have dad around as long as we did. Today, as I look back, I can say my sister, I, our husbands and my daughters have been bound by him – we have loads of memories that we can feed on for the rest of our lives – enough to laugh and be agitated over. Except for the children, he kept the rest of us on our toes.
The day before yesterday, I read an old diary of mine- written six months after my mom passed away. I had written the words, ‘The fact that I am alive without her goes to show life goes on and however sad it is, that is the only truth.’ Today, I realize again how true those words are. I need to remind myself this when I find myself sinking.
A wise, kind, acquaintance, friend, mentor – a father figure (who I know only virtually) sent me a message with Robert Frost’s quote- “In three words, I can sum up everything I know about life: it goes on.” I received his message soon after I had read my diary. It seemed like divine providence.
While the pain of losing a parent never really goes away, I am grateful for all that was. I am thankful for the love of family and friends who have been there for me during this time. Thank you all for reading my posts and sending me your prayers. It meant a lot to me.
I hope Christmas this year blesses all of us with its happy cheer. My fondest growing memories of celebrations, revolve around Christmas.
Loads of love and good wishes
From our home to yours
P.S. Stay safe. Take care. The crap virus still looms large over our heads. Let’s beat it together by celebrating wisely.
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