If a month had a theme, then July’s would definitely be ‘Waiting’.

I feel all I’ve been doing through July is, waiting- waiting for the rains to give us a break from the heat, waiting for my daughter to return from University, waiting for my younger one’s grade 12 results, waiting for my older one’s results (the first one after she began living away from us at University while she managed her cooking, her washing and everything else on her own), waiting to know where we’ll head next (I’ll explain later) and waiting to know about my health. And all this waiting had a way of clogging my creative juices. Even when I had answers to some of the things I had been waiting for, we couldn’t be completely happy as the ghost of my ailment loomed like a spectre in the background.

Let me explain one at a time. First, the rains. It hit Mumbai in full force by July 2nd. Thankfully, we had given up waiting for it from June 21st as we travelled southwards where the rains had already made an entry in early June. We had a fruitful holiday, meeting family after four long years, visiting temples, shopping, exploring places and dining on local delicacies. The waiting had been worth it.
My daughter arrived a week before we left and we were able to spend a wonderful month together, despite all the waiting lurking ominiously in the background. The month ended yesterday when she took a flight back to University. I waited again- for her to say that she had landed. She sent me a message an hour ago saying she had, and the relief of knowing she had reached safely released one of the clogged pores in my head and it got me writing this post.
The waiting for my younger daughter’s results ended sooner. Her results came at the beginning of the second week of July and by the grace of God, she did exceptionally well. Despite the impending health issue (which I hope turns out to be something minor) echoing loudly in our ears, we celebrated both the girls’ successes. I believe celebrating happiness is a way to attract more happy moments. Think of happiness as a person- if ignored, why would it want to make an entrance again? So, setting all our other worries aside, we celebrated with a nice dinner, a movie and prayers to thank God.

Remember I had said, we wait to know where we move next. This July, my husband complets five years of his assignment in India. We could stay back if he wanted to carry on in the current position. If you’ve worked in a Multinational, then you know how it goes. Once you reach a certain position in the company, if you want to grow, you need to be willing to move out of your comfort zone and be ready to explore new vistas, however unenticing they may seem. With the older one away and the younger one hopefully following suit soon, I’m ready to move too. While I have come to love Mumbai city and have grown comfortable here, the bug for change itches within. I only hope however, if we have to move, the country is palatable to us. Well, that’s another thing we are waiting for, in the midst of all the other waiting.

Lastly and probably most importantly is the waiting relating to my health. After a month of waiting, today, is the day of the surgery. The doctor says its a minor surgery. I’ll be under general anaesthesia, so, I’ll have no knowledge of what’s happening, which is a good thing as I’m terrified of needles, hospitals, and doctors. Just being in the establishment tends to raise my pressure. The doctor has put me on pressure and anxiety pills to control my blood pressure as I seem to be doing a bad job of keeping my heartbeat in control. The waiting does not end with the surgery. Once the surgery is done (hopefully successfully), we will need to wait for the results which will take a couple of days. I suppose the waiting never ends. There’s always something we are waiting for- a better time to do what we love, to connect with someone, to be happy because somehow, now, doesn’t seem enough.

If anything, this sudden health issue of mine has taught me a few things. I’m sharing it here because I want to remember how I felt when I was in the throes of waiting and I hope it might help somebody out there. Before I had an issue with my health, I grieved the past. I missed my dad so much that there were times I thought I wouldn’t mind if I had to join him. But, after this issue, I realized that going away is easy but there’s so much love still here to live for. I promised myself that I would only look forward. The grief of loss cannot be forgotten but I will simply carry it around with me as additional weight gained over the years like the weight on my hips. Another thing I realized is that happiness follows sadness and vice-versa. It’s important to clutch every ounce of happiness greedily and savor every moment of it. Value it, give it importance, so, it feels welcome, wants to linger and multiplies. A third thing I learnt is more personal to me. My mom’s early demise had me fearful of my genes. But, a call, a whats app message and a message on Facebook Messenger from three different people who had been my classmates, one morning, reminded me that I was not the only one with a mother who had gone too soon – all these three girls had also lost their moms to the same reason- two of them, much before my mother and one, after. Their photographs on Facebook showed me they were living their lives- it rebuilt my faith. Fourthly, being in pain led me to the hospital- after a terrible experience just before my 4oth birthday, I have been dilly-dallying visiting the hospital and a check-up was long overdue. The recent visits have helped me get over the fear of the place. I think I’m ready to go for a complete checkup even after this procedure is over. I’m telling myself that it’s routine servicing- if I want my body to function as well as it did when it was young, it needs to be checked and serviced. How else will I paint all the pictures that I wish to paint, read all the books waiting to be read on my bookshelf, and be able to live a better life with my lovely family. Lastly, these few days has shown me who truly cares- it’s helped me filter the chaff from the grain and I’m better off for it.

I’m signing off now as I need to leave to the hospital. I hope to return in a few days, fully recovered. In a few hours from now, this waiting will end and I will be in the O.T. A few days from now, this waiting will end and I will know what is wrong. I’m hoping and praying there’s nothing to worry about. I rest my faith in God and surrender to His wishes.
I know the waiting will not end. For, where there is life, there will be waiting. But we need to consciously push waiting to the background and live in the present. That’s all for now. I’m sharing this without doing another check of what I’ve written as I don’t have the time.

Wishing you’ll a lovely weekend.

Cheers

Smitha V

P.S. I forgot to mention that I finally finished working on my first novel. I’ve sent it to a few traditional publishers and I’m Waiting to hear from them. One rejected it saying it didn’t meet their publishing schedule but they hoped to work with me in future on a future project. Funnily, it didn’t break my heart. I guess I had been expecting it. I’ll give it two months and at the end of it, I might just self-publish. I request all authors who have experience with publishing to please share your tips and wisdom on how to go forward as this is my first novel.

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